Gas Lighting
On ‘gas-lighting’
- the practice of psychologically manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity, memory, or powers of reasoning.
Today, I'd like to talk to you about this particular bullying practice, because it goes hand in hand with bullying, if it isn't the bullying itself, and has become more and more commonplace over the past 12 months or so.
When I think of the foundation of our belief system, what we know, or think we know, as we go through childhood, adolescence and into adulthood - which ties in with what we've learned through our own experiences in the physical world, what is up, what is left, what happens if we throw an apple up in the air, right down to how we expect the police to behave, how we expect certain freedoms, or for there to be food in the supermarket, for there to be electricity, for us to be able to tell fact from fiction, truth from lies; we believe we can determine, or at least guess with a high degree of certainty what will be the outcome of an action that is taken, either by us or by someone else.
Woof, that was a long sentence. But bear with me...
Then when someone tries to disenfranchise us of that notion - for instance that a policeman might not be acting in our best interest, to protect and serve us, and that they might be capable of crimes that we could only expect to see from a criminal, and not a uniformed officer, then our world is turned upside down and we go through a phase of disillusionment. And that phase pulls into question, not just what we experienced, but we begin to question other expectations that we take for granted.
In that period, life becomes uncertain. And uncertainty leads to fear.
Now bear with me, because if we have a few experiences like that, when circumstances have caused us to come face to face with an aberration in our compass, in our understanding of the world, then when we face people who gaslight us, it becomes so much easier for us to fall into the pattern of questioning our sanity, panic, fear and the unknown.
One of the patterns that I keep seeing in nature is that people who always, or usually tell the truth, judge others by the same barometer. They believe that others always, or usually tell the truth. And contrastingly, people who usually lie, also judge others by the same barometer. They believe that others usually lie.
So, now imagine when a person who usually lies meets a person who usually tells the truth. The pathological liar, doesn't believe a word that comes out of the mouth of the habitual truth-teller, who is actually telling the truth!
And the habitual truth-teller tends to believe that the liar is speaking the truth, even when he's lying through his back teeth!
Bullies, people who gaslight others, are by nature manipulative. They have a hidden agenda. Their agenda usually isn't 'live and let live'. It usually isn't 'win-win'. It's usually, if you lose, I shall win. It's usually, if I impoverish you, I can keep the spoils for myself. It's usually if I can make you look spectacularly bad, I can make myself look like the hero for exposing you (make myself look spectacularly good).
So, I'd like you to ask yourself this: Given someone's claims, their version of events, what they are telling you, if that does not hold up to your vision, your expectation of what happens in the world that you grew up in, how likely are you to cast aside your beliefs in favour of someone else's claims? Suppose that they are very compelling.
Because some people can be successfully gaslit and not know it, while others will recognize the signs when someone is, to put it another way, 'messing with their head'. Some see it instantly, while others see it afterwards, while some don't see it!
And barring being under the influence of drugs, or medication, the difference may lie in how many previous periods of disillusionment we've gone through and experienced.
*As usual if you would like to discuss your particular situation more confidentially, you can always reach out to me via email on truthinemotion.com.
NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)
Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.
Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.
Defending Your Mind!
Defend Your Mind like your sanity depends on it!
Defend Your Mind, like your sanity depends on it!
You know how sometimes you might say to a friend, "Am I going crazy, or is that the most absurd thing you ever heard?" People involved in power play (aka bullies) can be relentless in sticking to an idea that you, they, everyone else knows is absolutely ludicrous, but they will peddle the untruths, the falsehoods, the outright fabrications, as if it's the truth and the only truth.
So much so that they have convinced themselves. So much so that they sound absolutely convinced, and you can't help but wonder if it's you that's going crazy. But it's worth remembering that a big part of a bully's arsenal is manipulation. If they are not manipulating you, they are manipulating others against you. They draw their energy from influencing others, like the air we breathe. It's fuel for their soul. And this usually means sapping your energy, making you feel insecure in what you know to be the truth. Feeding off your energy. That's why I've titled this post "Defending Your Mind", because in the face of overwhelming number of people saying something contrary to what you believe is the truth, you need to have a plan.
What is that plan? Well, you need to call them out for what they're doing. Liars do a variety of things to stick to their story and make others believe them.
1) THIS means THAT. The association of meaning to something that is a misinterpretation. eg. "It's been raining all week, of course it's going to rain tomorrow." Not true. You cannot use the past as a reason for predicting a future that hasn't yet happened. It's possible that despite the weather reports, tomorrow in your area, it will be sunny.
2) Quoting statistics as a way to disprove facts. eg. "It's a well-known fact that people who come from this part of the world like to do 'X'" That's a generalization. It's not a well-known fact, and it's usually quoted by people who haven't met too many people from 'this part of the world'. It's an attempt to mask their ignorance by appearing knowledgeable through quoting statistics.
3) Changing the subject. eg. You challenge a person on their facts, and since they cannot defend the facts they will not answer your point directly, but use 1) and 2) above to make assertions that are false.
4) The role of Influence. Getting people who are not greatly critical in their thinking to back them up. Get enough of them, in large enough numbers, they can make any claim they like. And when a whole mass of people sing from their song sheet, they outnumber and out-voice you.
When rational argument, or any semblance of respect is missing from an interaction, you need to assert your own self-respect. Remind yourself that the respectful thing for you to do for yourself, is to remove yourself from that situation, or if you anticipate it, is to not put yourself in that situation in the first place. Defending your mind or maintaining your sanity, your energy, your nervous system, your time...these are all parts of self-respect. And bullies rarely win with individuals who have lots of self-respect. If you need particular help with a bully, you can reach me via email on truthinemotion.com.
MICHAEL FRANKLIN -With over 25 years of coaching and teaching experience, my life’s work has been about supporting transformation in others. I’ve made a lifelong study of bullying. From being labeled a bully as a young child to getting bullied in my formative years, I’ve developed a methodology that’s based on merging human psychology, acting, emotional intelligence, and my personal superpowers of reading body language and energy.
NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)
Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.
Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.
My Battles with myself!
I fight me. Who do you fight?
The battle that goes on in our own head to not displease someone is the subject of this article.
Are you being over-worked?
One of the ways to self-empowerment is to recognize that perhaps you're being asked to do more than your regular hours on a recurring basis, because you've failed to stand up and say "It's not okay". Perhaps the battle of empowerment here is won first in your own mind. To recognize that your work-life balance is off-balance! And that time doing over-work is time away from your family, from your me-time, from much needed exercise, or much needed distance to gain perspective.
Many people battle with their "People-pleasing nature" in that way. They don't want to say No. They want to be amenable, to please. Some believe being a Yes-person comes with rewards, promotions, etc. And sometimes that is true. But when does People-pleasing become self-sabotage instead of self-investment?
If you're in a situation where you've won the battle with yourself that you need to say No, as a way of self-care, then you have to win the battle of telling it to your employer. But usually, this battle is far easier that you made it out to be in your own head. The right words, the right tonality, with the right employer will give you back your loss of time. And Yes, once in a while with the not-so-right employer, it will mean asserting yourself in the right way; Highlighting the values that you bring to the Company or Team will paint the picture in a better way, than asserting yourself purely through a battle of wills.
Either way, the harder battle is with your own mind, your own imaginings, and your own nature.
If you've never believed that we bully ourselves in order to please others, to be liked, to not be thought of as anything but helpful, it's time to reassess. Your best friend is always the friend who takes account of the entire picture, not just the future, and not just your work, but your health (spiritual and physical), the health of your relationships, and your time to devote to your passions.
Comment below if recently you've had one such battle with yourself, and how did you fare? Does reading this highlight it as something you really need to get a handle on? Or remind you of a promise you made to yourself which you've let slip.
NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)
Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.
Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.